Hearth's Warming Eve: The Next Year
by TorstenderMilch
Summary: You all know how the Hearth's Warming Eve went last year. But what do you think will happen when three of the Mane 6 are incapacitated somehow, just before the pageant. And they have to be replaced by three of my OC's. This'll be fun. No crazy accents in this story. Please R&R.
1. Chapter 1

The Hearths Warming Eve: The Next Year

**Chapter 1: Smoke on the Water, and Everywhere Else, too**

It was a beautiful day in Equestria (or, at least, as beautiful as it got in the middle of December). The sky was the most delightfully ugly shade of gray, and the trees all looked completely dead. The fields that scattered Equestria looked no better. Even the blue bird couldn't find anything to try and fail to eat. That year was particularly cold, as far as things go, and that had taken its toll on everypony. But life went on, and Hearths Warming Eve was tonight.

Seemingly in nowhere, a train was speeding it's way through a desolate land (yes, trains can speed, or at least they can now :P). On board the train were several ponies from Ponyville, all headed for Canterlot for the Hearths Warming Eve pageant. Among those ponies were Twilight Sparkle and the gang, plus a friend of Twilight's, Lemon Blossom. Lemon Blossom had brought two friends of her's along, too: Hand Grenade and Crystal Meth. The train ride was dragging on forever, so Hand Grenade decided to get the group engaged in a conversation.

"So, how's it going with you all?"

"Pretty well," said Rarity. "Opal has been acting up a lot lately."

"She probably just needs some attention," Fluttershy informed. "You have been working a whole bunch lately, and Opal probably just wants to be with you."

"I'll try, thanks, Fluttershy," Rarity said. The whole train fell silent again.

_Darn, I thought that would work_, Hand Grenade thought. Just when he lost hope, though, Applejack spoke up.

"What in the name of Celestia is that smell? It smells like burning cow manure!"

Indeed, there was a horrible smell in the train-car, but so far only Applejack smelled it.

"Speaking of smells, where's Crystal?" Lemon Blossom asked. Her friend was a drugo, abusing as many kind's of drugs possible (marijuana to cocain, heroin to Vicodin, aspirin to Benedryll, etc.), and she sure as hay smelled like it!

"Now I smell something," Twilight said. "Ungh, you were right, Applejack, that _does_ smell horrible!"

"Ew, that smells horrible, and I would know, because I've smelled some pretty bad things in my time. OH OH OH, like that time I made that cake, and I accidentally added some lemon juice, but it was chocolate-strawberry swirl, and it made it smell really bad for some reason, but I found out that the smell was just Crystal walking into Sugarcube Corner, and she smelled _really_ bad and the cake was OK, and tasted great!" Pinkie Pie rambled.

Everypony was complaining about how bad it smelled on the train, when Hand Grenade perked up...

"Something's not right, everypony! Crystal's missing, it smells horrible in here, Pinkie Pie, you said that is smells like Crystal did, and anypony notice that cloud of smoke coming from under that table?" he pointed, and everypony looked to see that he was right. The table had a cloth on top of it, and smoke was coming out from the pores in the fabric.

"Hey, Lemon," Twilight got her friend's attention. Her voice was dragging a little. "Doesn't it smell like marijuana?"

"Come to think of it, ye... Everypony, get into another car!" Lemon ordered, but Fluttershy was fluttering over to the table with the smoke to lift the cloth, and that, for some reason, distracted everypony in the room, so they all stayed put.

Fluttershy lifted the cloth, and a cloud of smoke billowed from where it used to be. Everypony started coughing and covered their eyes and mouths to shield from the smoke. Once everypony thought that it had cleared up (they thought right), they looked up and looked at the table. They saw Crystal Meth under it, smoking a really, _really_, _**really**_, _**REALLY**_, fat joint (I can't emphasize enough how big it was). It took a little bit for her to realize that she had been caught, and she tried to look innocent.

"Crystal, why!?" Lemon Blossom chewed out her friend. "I said no drugs on this trip!"

"Well, I'm not _tripping_, am I?" Crystal responded, thinking she found a loophole. Lemon didn't buy it.

"Not what I meant, Crystal! Now look what you did to poor Fluttershy!" and Crystal looked, and saw a semiconscious Fluttershy, who was still recovering from getting about 20 hit's worth of marijuana smoke.

"Oh, no!" Twilight said. "She won't be able to participate in the pageant tonight!" and she fell over. Lemon took a closer look at her, and saw that her eyes were red and bloodshot.

"Neither will you. You're high, too," Lemon Blossom informed. Twilight was just sulking, as she knew this, and knew that Celestia would be very disappointed if she found out that Twilight got high.

"Ah think Ah am, too. Ah feel all lightheaded n' stuff," Applejack confessed. And indeed, she was right. Her eyes were red, she had poor reflexes, and her stomach growled.

"Whada we do!?" Twilight worried, still not terribly high. Just then, the train came to a stop.

"Canterlot station, all leaving, get off now!" said a very irritated sounding voice on the train intercom. At this point, Twilight's panicking.

"WHADA WE DO!?"


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: The Compromise**

The group got off the train, only to be met immediately by Princess Celestia. She saw the cloud of smoke billow out of the car, and saw Twilight, Fluttershy (who had regained consciousness), and Applejack stumbling around like idiots.

"What the hay has gotten into you three?" she queried.

"Her joint," said Lemon Blossom, and she pointed to Crystal, who was walking off the train last, looking at the door like it was the most amazing thing in all of Equestria.

"That explains a lot," the Princess droned. She knew about Crystal's problem ever since Crystal volunteered to help defeat her evil brother, Demonius. She was horribly addicted to all kinds of drugs, and she lashed out when she didn't get them, so the princess gave her immunity to the laws for drug related crime, mostly because she helped fight Demonius. She still had no right to get other ponies high, though.

Crystal just looked at the princess innocently, as though asking for no punishment. Celestia just glared at her. "Thanks to you, Crystal, three of the most important ponies in the Hearth's Warming Eve pageant are higher than the city of Cloudsdale!" the Princess chewed her out. "Now, you'd better find a way to fix this, or it's off to prison and rehab for you, _again_!"

Crystal had been to rehab around 36 times in 2 years. Obviously, none of them worked. She had just gotten back into the drug life after she got out. But she didn't want to go back to rehab, her withdrawal symptoms are extremely painful, and _extremely_ violent. She was thinking of a way to solve everything, but the THC was getting in the way, and she was also _horribly_ ADHD, and refused to take the medications (well, sort of, because it's basically meth, and she does _that_ all the time). Finally, after about two minutes, Hand Grenade spoke up.

"I have an idea! How about me, Lemon, and Crystal take their places?"

"Because she's higher than the rest of them!" Celestia snapped. She clearly was stressed, because she didn't normally yell at her subjects. "And besides, not to be picky, but we need exactly one of every kind of pony (alicorns excepted)!"

"Hear me out," Hand Grenade continued. "Crystal and I can easily memorize lines, and what we forget, we improvise (and besides, we've seen this, like, a million times, we get the plot). And Crystal's used to functioning while high, because when isn't she? And the solution to the 'need one of each kind of pony'? Hello! I'm an earth pony, Lemon's a unicorn, and Crystal's a pegasus!"

"You do have a point," the Princess said, thinking. She took a minute to make up her mind, but in the end she said: "Well, OK. But I don't want you to mess this up _too_ badly!"

"Thank you, Princess," Hand Grenade bowed his head and regrouped with the rest of the ponies.

"You sure do have a way with words," Lemon whispered to him.

"Well, I, uh, try," Hand Grenade said sheepishly, and blushed. He had a horrible crush on Lemon Blossom, and he thought she didn't know it, when in reality she did. Lemon giggled and kept walking, leaving Hand Grenade thinking and blushing. They walked in silence from then until they got to the pageant hall, where things got a little bit rough.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: Fuel for the Fire**

The ponies went into the pageant hall, went backstage, and got ready, not saying a word to each other. The only reason Hand Grenade, Crystal, and Lemon were there was because of Twilight, and without her, tensions were high. Eventually Rainbow Dash snapped when Hand Grenade accidentally bumped into her.

"Why the hay did you do that!?" she snapped.

"I didn't do it on purpose!" Hand Grenade retorted. "I did it because I'm disoriented."

"I don't care if you were disoriented or just trying to fly, you don't mess with Ranibow Dash!"

"Everypony," Lemon tried to get their attention, but they were all arguing about something or another, except for Pinkie, who was just rambling to no one on how iron is a resource, not a metal, and eventually made a song out of it.

"Everypony!" Lemon said, louder. Still, nopony listened to her. Things had gotten worse, too; props were being thrown everywhere, Rainbow Dash and Hand Grenade had gotten in a hoof fight, and Crystal had just popped some ecstasy pills. This had to stop.

"EVERYPONY, SHUT UP!"

Everyone got quiet and stopped what they were doing to pay attention to Lemon Blossom.

"We're supposed to be the splitting image of friendship, here!" she started her rant. "But look at yourselves! Hand Grenade, you don't normally get into fights like that," Hand Grenade's ears folded back and he looked down with a look of remorse. "Rarity, you don't need to obsess over what everypony else is wearing! Just care about what you're wearing! And Crystal!" Crystal perked up. She got nervous. "Why are you popping pills, here of all places?"

"Because I-"

"No excuses, Crystal! You all need to step up your act, or else the pageant will be a failure. Maybe Celestia was right: this _won't_ work," Lemon Blossom finished, and walked into a changing room.

Everypony felt guilty after Lemon's lecture, except for Rainbow Dash. Twilight, Applejack, and Fluttershy were all unable to perform, and here go their replacements, just wasting time like a bunch of school foals.

Suddenly, Crystal started to feel something. Then she realized that she didn't feel it: she saw it! The ecstasy was starting to kick in, and it brought hallucinations with it. She could see something that looked like a man, or sort of. It looked more like...

"John Lennon from the "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" animation?" Crystal asked out loud. Everypony just looked at her funny, and then realized that this was just the drugs talking.

"Yes, it's me, John Lennon," said the hallucination.

"Is it really you?" Crystal asked.

"Well, no. I'm just a figment of your imagination, brought on by the ecstasy you just took," responded the hallucination. "I'm here to tell you about how the pageant will go."

"And why would I need to know that?" Crystal asked.

"To create a random twist in the plot of this fanfiction, of course," the hallucination answered.

"My fourth wall senses are tingling. Oh, and it tickles!" Pinkie Pie blurted out.

The hallucination told Crystal, who then told everypony else in a matter of seconds.

"Hey, guys! I just heard from a hallucination of John Lennon that at the end of the pageant, Hand Grenade is going to accidentally set off a bomb, damage a spotlight so that it falls down, going for Rarity's head, but Lemon pulls her to safety, saving the day!"

"Crystal, you need to stop popping pills," Hand Grenade said.

"Five minutes to curtain!" called a stage hand from another room. They all got in their costumes and got double checked their lines, and they were ready to go.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4: Let's See Just How Much I Can Mess This Up Without Totally Ruining The Plot**

A single spotlight shone upon the stage, and focused in on a pony in a tuxedo and tophat. She was a gray pegasus mare with a blonde mane, and crossed amber eyes (if you can't tell who it is, that's sad). She was supposed to be on the stage crew, but the pony who was supposed to be the narrator bailed out at the last minute (said something about going through time to save the universe again, what a whackjob). This mare cued to a disk jockey to start the music. The only problem was that she played the wrong disk: instead of a slowish classical piece, she put on a fast, loud, blaring trumpet rock piece. The original DJ, Vinyl Scratch, couldn't come because she had the ponypox, so she got her friend, Octavia, to replace her.

Octavia popped the disk out of the player and put in the right one. Or so she thought. It was a lively jazz tune. She was getting fed up with this, so she took the disk out, picked up another one, READ IT, put it in, and pressed play. This time it was the right one, so Derpy started the performance.

"Hi, everypony! I'm Derpy. I'll be your narrator tonight. Um, yeah!" She could tell she was losing them, and it showed in her eyes, her derped, derped eyes.

"So, a long time ago, before Celestia was the princess, before we even knew about Equestria, ponies didn't know anything about harmony. It was very dark then. I don't know what that had to do with anything, but it's in the script," the audience was very confused, and Derpy could tell. They were starting to think about leaving, and the only reason they stayed was because they all simultaneously wanted to see how badly this was going to go.

"Anyway," Derpy continued, "it was a time that everypony was consumed by hatred," the crowd gasped, trying to get this thing back on track. Yes, it was that terrible.

"Hey, can I get a script?" Derpy tried to ask to a stagehand behind the curtain on the left of the stage. He shook his head, and she hung hers. At this point, a few ponies had gotten so fed up with this that they had left the hall.

"So, anyway," she continued once more, "during this time, each of the three tribes, earth ponies, pegasi, and unicorns, didn't care about what happened to each of the other tribes," and, dividing the stage into thirds, three sets of ponies, meant to represent the three tribes, showed up, and became visible by the stage lights turning on. "Just like now, the pegasi controlled the weather, but they demanded something in return: food that only the earth ponies could grow," and the earth ponies bitterly handed over a pumpkin to the pegasi.

"The unicorns wanted the same, but they controlled the setting and rising of the Sun, not the weather," and the same earth ponies handed the unicorns a watermelon, and they moved a plywood prop of the sun with their magic.

"This had been going on for, eh, centuries?" Derpy looked at the same stagehand form earlier, asking if she was right.

"I don't know, they normally just say that it festered until a blizzard happened," the stagehand told her, whispering so that the audience didn't hear him. More ponies had left.

"Right. Thanks!" Derpy said, a _little_ too loudly, so that the entire audience heard. "So, this kept going on for a while, but everything changed once a mysterious blizzard struck the land," and from here on out, everything got realistic, and the narrator was just an omniscient figure. The entire audience had returned, because this is the part where it gets good: where Derpy wasn't in it as much.

"The earth ponies couldn't farm their land, so they hogged all the food for themselves, and they were really, _really_ cold," Derpy said, and the earth ponies from earlier, dressed up like ancient desert dwellers, . "The pegasi had it no better: they were hungry," and some pegasi were trying to eat their war helmets. "And the unicorns were cold _and_ hungry! And to make things worse, everypony blamed the other tribes for what was going on! Oh, I left this out, nopony could control the storm, and the more the tribes hatred grew, the worse the storm got.

"Eventually, everypony got fed up with this, and all the tribes agreed that they would hold a huge meeting with the tribe leaders," and the scene shifts to a large building that looked a lot like an Elizabethan Era theater, with a wooden table in the middle. In the bleachers were some ponies, all arranged by tribe.

"Representing the unicorns, Princess Platinum," Derpy introduces the character, and Rarity, in a graceful robe and crown, gracefully walks into the room from underneath the bleachers the unicorns were gracefully sitting in, and up to the table, all while some unicorns magically played a graceful tune on some trumpets, gracefully.

"Ruler of the pegasi, Commander Hurricane!" Derpy said with a little more enthusiasm than necessary. Rainbow Dash flew in from under the pegasi, wearing Roman battle armor, and took her place at the table, all while some trumpets were playing a war march.

"And leader of the earth ponies, Chancellor Puddinghead," and Pinkie Pie, dressed up in an even more ridiculous costume than the year before (but with a similar theme), sneezed some confetti, walked up to the table to a fanfare of kazoos.

"And, so, the tribe leaders collaborated on solutions for the problem they had," Derpy finished for a while, and the audience knew it, so they sighed with relief.

After Derpy finished, the tribe leaders all began arguing.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5: The Fighting Continues**

The tribe leaders argued for a few minutes, and eventually Commander Hurricane spoke up.

"All I wanna know is why the earth ponies are hoggin' all the food!" This got cheers from the pegasi in the bleachers.

"_Us_!?" Chancellor Puddinghead screamed, defensively. "We're not hogging all the food, _you_ are!" and she points to Commander Hurricane, who was taken aback by the accusation, much like Rarity does when she's insulted.

"Oh wait. You're right. It's us," she admitted. "Well, it's only 'cause you mean old pegasusususes are making it _snow like crazy_!"

"For the hundredth time, it's not us!" Commander Hurricane defended. "We're not making it snow! It must be the unicorns! They're doing it with their freaky magic!"

Princess Platinum was so appalled, she gasped. "How _dare_ you! Unlike you Pegasi ruffians, we unicorns would never stoop to such a thing! Hmph"

"Hmph," said every unicorn in the stands.

"Well, if you non-earths aren't gonna stop using your weirdo powers to freeze us all, then I'm just plum out of ideas," said Chancellor Puddinghead, defeated.

"What a shocker. An Earth pony with no ideas," insulted Commander Hurricane.

"Commander Hurricane, please cease with the insults!" Princess Platinum demanded. This was a very bad idea, since Rainbow Dash was still ticked about the incident with Hand Grenade, and had been easy to set off ever since.

"Don't you tell me what to do, your Royal Snootiness," she said, reverting back to the Rainbow Dash personality. No one noticed, though. That line was close enough to the one she was supposed to use that nopony could tell the difference.

"_I beg your pardon_?!" Princess Platinum said, shocked. "I am a princess! I won't be spoken to that way!"

Rainbow snapped at this. "THAT'S IT! I can't take anymore of this!" She started wailing on Rarity, who was very confused. Some unicorns and pegasi were trying to break up the fight, while the earth ponies just started to leave.

"I guess we won't have to argue about who leaves first, right?" said Pinkie Pie, and she, too, left.

"And the blizzard continued," narrated Derpy, and everypony left the stadium.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6: Out for New Land!**

Princess Platinum was stunned by how violently the pegasi could act sometimes. The stereotypes were frequently true back in that time: they were brutish, violent, bloodthirsty animals, who would rather fight than talk. The Princess had emerged seemingly OK, but she was very confused. Or, the Rarity part of her was confused. She couldn't explain why Rainbow fought her for acting out her parts. She was even 100% correct! Rarity quickly put these thoughts aside, for the play must go on.

Princess Platinum burst through the doors to the unicorn castle. "Clover the Clever!" she called. "I need you!"

Lemon Blossom (or Clover the Clever, now), dressed in a leather hooded robe, walked into the room ever so sweetly, and asked what the Princess wanted. "Did the other tribes see reason a I predicted?" she asked.

"Does this answer your question?" Princess Platinum said, with obvious venom in her voice, and she pulled up her robe to expose a nasty looking bruise on her back. Once Clover saw this, and all she could do was gasp.

At the realm of the pegasi, Rainbow was still on a short fuse. She was grumbling all the way back "home". When she got there, she just chewed out everypony who talked to her. Eventually, Private Pansy (Crystal Meth. You can already see how bad this one will go) decided to talk to her.

"So, Comm_aaa_nder. hehehe," Pansy started.

"I DON'T CARE, PRIVATE!" Rainbow snarled. Even with the marijuana, Crystal didn't take long to realize that something went wrong at the meeting.

"OK, Commander," Pansy started, still slurring. "What happened?"

"Those damned unicorns decided to challenge my authority! I gave them what was coming to them, of course." Crystal gasped at what Rainbow had just said, and so did the audience. Discord was stirring from within his statue right now, dying to come out and watch.

At the realm of the earth ponies, things were just like normal: absolutely crazy! Chancellor Puddinghead was entering a small shack in her usual way: through the chimney, covered in ash and soot.

"Chancellor, wouldn't it'd've been easier to use the door?" Smart Cookie (Hand Grenade) asked.

"Maybe for you, Smart Cookie, but _I_ am a chancellor. I was elected because I could think outside the box, which also means that I can think _in_side a chimney," and she shoved her head into the chimney. "Can _you_ think inside a chimney?"

"What?"

"I didn't think so," Puddinghead said. She walked across the room, when her face lit up.

"Ohmygosh! Hold on to your hooves, I am about to be _BRIILANT_!"

"That'd be a first," Smart Cookie jeered under her breath.

"I have decided that the earth ponies are goin' ta go it alone!" Puddinghead finished.

"Oh, so the other tribes didn't see reason?" Smart Cookie asked, disappointed.

"What reason? All they did was fight with each other. And I don't mean just an argument: I mean that they got into a super-ginormously-_huge_ hooffight!"

"Oh... Dang!" Smart Cookie stammered, stunned.

"Anyway, I have decided that we are going to find a new home!" Puddinghead continued.

"But, I really like it here!" Smart Cookie argued.

"Smart Cookie, we're all out of food, it's freezing, and we can't grow in the snow," Puddinghead started, and the scene switched to Rainbow Dash.

"We have no food, it's snowing uncontrollably, and we're right next those blasted unicorns!" Rainbow moved a chunk of cloud to reveal a small party of unicorns peering through a peephole in the wall, and the scene changed to Rarity.

"We have absolutely no food, it's blisteringly cold, and those pegasi are right next door." The scene changed to all three of them at once.

"We must find a new home!"


	7. Chapter 7

**Author's Note: This chapter is pretty short. It's kind of hard to make this chapter longer, but it's enjoyable. So enjoy!**

**Chapter 7: Finding New Land is Hard!**

Chancellor Puddinghead was wandering around outside of the castle, with a map pressed against her face, and eye holes cut through it. She crashed into a tree, then a rock, and many more things. Smart Cookie was just rolling his eyes at this.

"Uh, shouldn't'chu be looking at the map, Chancellor?" he asked.

"Do you know why I was elected?" Puddinghead asked.

"Uh, no."

"I was elected because I could lead! And what does that mean?"

"Uuuuhh..."

"It means I have a keen sense of direction!" she said, right as she walked off a cliff.

"First off, I think there's a cliff there, and second, how does being able to lead a country magically give you a sense of direction. Last time I checked, you just bounce off o' walls, hopin' that you don't hit something that you don't wanna!" Smart Cookie said.

"You are really starting to get on my nerves!" Puddinghead called from down the cliff.

Commander Hurricane was flying through a large bank of gray storm clouds, constantly remaining vigilant. Private Pansy was looking at the clouds as though they were constantly changing colors.

"Remain vigilant, Private!" Hurricane advised, trying to make up for her incident earlier. "You never know when the enemy might appear out of nowhere!"

"And the enemy is...?" Pansy asked.

"Oh, for the love of Celestia- The unicorns and earth ponies! Have you even been listening!?"

"I did when I was a foal-I mean-"

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Hurricane cried, getting tired of Pansy breaking character.

"Ohhhhh! My hooves are simply _killing_ me!" Princess Platinum. "How long have we been walking?"

"Five minutes," Clover the Clever answered plainly. "And it's been the longest five minutes of my life," she added under her breath.

They kept walking for about a minute, until they reached a stream.

"AAAAAAHHH!" Princess Platinum shrieked.

"You know what, forget it. I'm not helping you across the stream. You can get you robe a little bit wet. Just hold it up. You've got _magic_!" Clover asserted herself. The princess just sat there and gawked.


End file.
